Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
Most of you have probably been in the situation when a romantic relationship comes to an end and you, or your ex, says something along the lines of “Let’s be friends!” Whether it comes out of guilt, or possibly the desire to be close in order to re-kindle the relationship in the future, or something else entirely different, people often try to be friends after the relationship goes to the pooper. Now let’s define ‘friendship’ as well here. By ‘friendship’, I do not mean that the two people are civil when they run into each other on the street or at some New Year’s Party; being civil is easy as long as the break-up was civil. What I mean by ‘friendship’ is when the two people actually continue to be friends and hang out, share stories, call each other, etc.
I personally have never been able to maintain a friendship with an ex. Frankly, I never really wanted to in the first place, so that’s not very surprising. However, I have seen people maintain a friendship for some time. I’m can’t speak to the quality of that friendship – it was probably different – but people still hung out and spent time together, so they were definitely more than just ‘being civil’.
So I wonder, what makes it possible to maintain that friendship? My theory is that the probability of having a post-break-up friendship is negatively correlated to how hurt/upset the people are due to the break-up. The more emotionally invested one is in the relationship and the more hurt one is when the relationship ends, the less likely the friendship is. What are your thoughts? I’d be very curious to hear what people who have been able to maintain a friendship after a break-up think.
Until next time,
V
Tags: Happiness, Human Behavior, Relationships
Posted in Psychology, Relationships | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
Do you consider yourself a risk taker in your personal life? How about in your professional life? Or are you careful all the time? There is definitely that trade off between staying safe and having some awesome experiences.
I know people who are very careful and always think twice before doing anything remotely dangerous. I actually used to be a lot more like that, except that at one point I said “what the hell, let’s do it”, and took my first leap of faith out of an airplane. To this day, that was arguably the best experience of my life. I took calculated risks a few more times that led to really awesome experiences – bungee jumping and riding a motorcycle are a couple of examples. There is an inherent risk that goes with such activities – I could hurt myself badly or even worse, and it is usually for those reasons that people never attempt anything remotely ‘dangerous’ and hold themselves back from experiencing something special.
Same type of behaviour easily carries over into other areas of life. One could be afraid of getting their heart broken and thus will stay away from any sort of romantic relationship. Or one could be concerned about the financial stability and never take a chance at a more exciting and fulfilling career.
What kind of risks have you taken that led to some wicked experiences? And on the flip side, what areas of life could you take more risks in to get some wicked experiences?
Until next time,
V
Tags: Action, Human Behavior, Inspiration, Personal Power, Relationships, Success
Posted in Psychology, Relationships, Success, Taking Action | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010
I’m pretty confident in saying that there is no person in this world (except for me maybe) who has not attempted to influence someone else’s behaviour by feeling bad for the self. It’s a really strange behaviour, if you ask me. To get some attention/love/caring/my way, I am going to put myself in a negative state so that another person (or people) feel bad for me and do what I ’secretly’ want them to do. Do you know anyone like that?
Every time I contemplated this, I’ve come to the same conclusion – you can always get that what you seek without resorting to the ‘feel bad for me’ state. The other conclusion that I came to is that this is unlikely to change, unless people take their understanding of the self to another level. Why do I say that? Because this is one of the first things that we learn as infants – we cry and we get attention from our mother. Pretty quickly we as children figure out that by crying we will get attention, love, caring, and often our way. Then we take those lessons with us through life.
How often do you play ‘victim’ in order to get something? Do you think that serves you very well? Can you come up with alternatives?
Until next time,
V
Tags: Communication, Human Behavior, Irrational Behavior, Personal Power, Relationships, Response-ability
Posted in Psychology, Relationships | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010
There is another Gottman nugget that I thought would be interesting to share with you concerning relationships. This time it is on the golden ratio of positive to negative phrases expressed in an interaction between two people, and that ratio is 5:1. The idea is that you need to say (and hear) at least 5 positive comments to every negative comment for a relationship to work well. Turns out this is a very important parameter and a good predictor of relationship’s ultimate success or failure.
In his research Gottman found that it is not whether the couples fight or not, not how much they fight or how often they fight, and not even the intensity of their fights, but rather that ratio of positive feedback to negative feedback that ultimately makes the difference. So wait, to make a relationship work, just say 5 positive things for every negative thing (and avoid contempt)? Seems like it! I love when something as complex as a relationship between two people can be boiled down to one or two simple, measurable factors. Amazing!
Until next time,
V
Tags: Communication, Divorce, Gottman, Happiness, Human Behavior, Marriage, Relationships
Posted in Psychology, Relationships | 2 Comments »
Friday, May 14th, 2010
There is a really interesting study that I read from the University of Cambridge that provides very good evidence that men and women have different social attitudes due to genetics. In this study 24-hour newborns were shown an image of a car and an image of a female face without the researchers knowing the gender of the infant. The researchers measured for how long these infants looked at each image. You must agree that 24 hours is not enough time for any environmental influences to take place, so any differences would have to be due to genetic gender differences.
What they found was that boy babies looked significantly longer at the image of the car, while girl babies looked significantly longer at the image of a female face. This is consistent with what we see later in life – guys are more fascinated with cars, boats, planes, and other mechanical objects, while gals are much more understanding, emotionally connected, and express greater interest in relationships. Yeah, there are exceptions, but as a general rule it holds.
It feels very reassuring to know that I can use my Y chromosome as a reason for why I have such a soft spot for nice cars 
Until Monday,
V
Tags: Human Behavior, Relationships
Posted in Psychology, Relationships | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010
Most of us use verbal language in our daily lives, and an assumption that people often make is that what they say is exactly what people hear. Truth is, when we want to express something, we put it through our own filter before any words come out. Those words, in turn, get put through the other person’s filter before they attempt to understand what you said. If we all had the same filters, we’d all be communicating without any issues, however that is not the case.
The words that we use are essentially labels that we attach to ideas, objects, concepts, feelings, emotions, etc. It’s a lot easier with objects – a door is a door and it is unlikely that we’ll have miscommunication about that – but it is a lot more challenging when we have more vague ideas and concepts involved. I don’t know about you, but I have been in several situations, even in my recent past, where I spent hours debating with another person only to find out that we were essentially talking about the same overall idea but were using words that had different meanings to us to describe it, which is what led to the entire debate in the first place.
This is huge at work and at home, since we constantly depend on communication; at home it can be even more challenging because people tend to be more emotionally involved. How many times were your words misinterpreted? How many times did you misinterpret the words of your partner?
Recently I have become more aware of this and try to get beyond the words and talk about the meaning when I sense that the conversation is hitting that filter issue. Try it the next time you have an opportunity to do so, and report back with your findings.
Until next time,
V
Tags: Communication, Human Behavior, Relationships
Posted in Relationships | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
Last Friday I wrote about the work of John Gottman – the guy who can predict with amazing accuracy if the relationship is going to last after analyzing the intra-couple interactions. He actually does not even listen to what people say – instead he focuses on their facial expressions and looks for signs of certain emotions. The idea is pretty simple – even if you are trying to mask a given emotions with a fake smile, for example, the smile will not look ‘real’ and traces of the hidden emotion will still show up in your face. While this is not an exact science, and mistakes are made, there is a lot of evidence in favour of this technique. So what does Gottman look for? As you may have figured out with the title, he looks for signs of contempt.
Gottman says that contempt is a single most destructive emotion people can experience in relationships – it is when a person looks down on the other person with lack of respect and a feeling of dislike. When one person feel contempt, the other person supposedly picks up on that feelings; and let’s be honest – who enjoys being disrespected and looked down on? It seems like contempt turns into a downwards spiral, where it is expressed more and more often, to a point where the couple does not want to remain a couple and splits. So if signs of contempt show up during the observed interaction, Gottman essentially writes the relationship off (with stunning accuracy).
So there you go – avoid contempt and enjoy a lasting relationship. And if you are in a relationship where contempt shows up regularly, start moving assets out of your name and get a good lawyer. Or you can bet on the 5% chance that you’d be the odd ball out, but I personally don’t like those odds. My advice – visit the Gottman Institute in Seattle before getting married.
Until next time,
V
Tags: Communication, Divorce, Gottman, Human Behavior, Marriage, Relationships
Posted in Psychology, Relationships | 1 Comment »
Friday, April 23rd, 2010
I remember reading about John Gottman who has developed a way to tell whether a relationship will be intact 15 years later with tremendous accuracy. After observing a couple interacting for 5 minutes, his predictions are 70% accurate; after 15 minutes, his predictions are 95% accurate. That blew my mind! I now know who I am going to see before proposing!
Now Gottman does not just observe a couple for 5 minutes and utters his verdict – he records and analyzes the entire interaction, and the big thing that he focuses on are facial expressions. Turns out there is a lot of correlation between different facial expressions and the true emotions that we feel inside, and this has very little to do with what the participants actually say.
Turns out there is one big red flag that comes up that indicates to Gottman the eventual fall of the relationship. What is the red flag? You’ll have to wait until next week to find out…
Until Monday,
V
Tags: Communication, Divorce, Gottman, Human Behavior, Marriage, Relationships
Posted in Psychology, Relationships | No Comments »
Friday, April 9th, 2010
This relates a lot to the yesterday’s post on self-image. I’ve heard this question asked, “what is in your container of certainty?” I thought that ‘the container of certainty’ was a really cool way of expressing the idea.
The concept is pretty simple and straight forward – you will always get whatever is in your container of certainty – no more, no less. You will not get what you want nor what you wish for, but rather what you truly expect. Every time I write something related to this concept, I am in awe from the power that comes once you understand and internalize that idea. Personally I’m starting to get there after all these years, but I’m a slow learner.
So what is in your ‘container of certainty’? What kind of life are you expecting? What kind of relationships are you expecting to have? What kind of work do you expect to be doing? What is your expectation when it comes to health and fitness? Just some food for thought…
Until Monday,
V
Tags: Energy, goals, Human Behavior, Law Of Attraction, Marriage, Money, Neo-Spirituality, Relationships, Success, Universe
Posted in Energy, Neo-Spirituality, Psychology, Relationships, Success, Universe | No Comments »
Thursday, April 8th, 2010
You have probably heard the comparison between the psycho-cybernetic mechanism in our minds and the thermostat. My understanding that the term has been coined by Dr. Maxwell Maltz in his book called Psycho-Cybernetics (’psycho’ being the mind; ‘cybernetics’ being the study of control and communication). It is a fascinating read and if you have not read it, I highly recommend it. I will shine some light on a lot of questions that you may have.
The book talks about the idea of a ’self-image’ and how it guides everything in your life. This is where the thermostat analogy is used – when the temperature falls below the set value, the heaters turn on until the temperature returns to ‘normal’; when the temperature rises above, the air conditioning turns on and again brings it back to ‘normal’. Our psycho-cybernetic mechanism is a blessing and a curse at the same time and applies to all areas of life – fitness, health, relationships, finances, etc.
It is a blessing because there is no way that you will allow yourself to remain below the ’set value’ for an extended period of time. The reverse is also true – you will not remain above the ’set value’ for an extended period of time as well. Say your target weight is 150 lb. If you step on the scale and see yourself at 160 lb, you’ll likely go on a diet, get a gym membership, and get a running buddy, until you go back to 150 lb. The only way you’ll stay at 160 is if you make it OK and change your self image to correspond to that.
There are huge implications when you understand this, and while ‘truth will set you free’, be prepared for A LOT of work once you start messing with the thermostat.
Until next time,
V
Tags: goals, Human Behavior, Maxwell Maltz, Neo-Spirituality, Psycho-Cybernetcs, Relationships, Success
Posted in Neo-Spirituality, Relationships, Success | No Comments »