Posts Tagged ‘Communication’

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Strangers and Family

Friday, March 26th, 2010

I always found this interesting and odd at the same time – why in the world are we nicer to strangers and people we barely know than our family and close friends? I understand why it is happening from the psychological point of view, but it still one of the oddest behaviours we exhibit.

We have no problem reaming out our kid, spouse, significant other, friend, sibling, or even a parent, but when it comes to strangers, we are nice and kind and have a smile on our face. The behaviours we exhibit and tolerate with the people we are close to and care about are so much more hurtful than the worst things we’ll ever do to a stranger. Am I the only one who thinks this is madness?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I have never behaved that way – I have. It seems like the more we feel the person is committed to the relationship, the more crap we will give them, and the more we are committed to the relationship, the more crap we will tolerate. It’s as if we know that the person won’t leave, so we take advantage of that. Talk about a sure way to poison the relationship!

Has anyone else noticed that pattern? Your thoughts?

Until Monday,

V

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Posted in Psychology, Relationships | 1 Comment »

Diffusing Tension

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Take pretty much any relationship between any two people, and you’ll find that there are instances of tension there. It can be mild tension that almost goes unnoticed, or it can be an outright violation of the ’social contract’ that the two people thought they had. In either case, there is a tactic that I found to be effective in avoiding the confrontational battle and moving to a conversation about what matters.

This tactic is to acknowledge and outright say what is going on. If you don’t feel comfortable about something, put yourself out there and say that you don’t feel comfortable about the situation. If you messed up, instead of trying to defend your position, which is what a lot of people choose to do, simply admit that you messed up. That right away takes away ammunition from the other person. If you start defending yourself, then you get into “you messed up!” – “no I didn’t!” battle. If you admit that you messed up, they can’t really say much, but to move on to the solution.

This tactic also helps in other situations, like when you are about to give a presentation and are nervous. It is OK to say that you are nervous and make some sort of a joke. The crowd will giggle and you will relax a little.

Hopefully this will help you at some point!

Until next time,

V

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Posted in Psychology, Relationships, Success | No Comments »

Communication Roadblock

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Yesterday I wrote about how I felt that good communication was a vital aspect of any relationship. Today I want to briefly talk about what, I feel, is the major barrier to good communication. The trouble maker? Your ego!

The ego has a number of functions, and one of its functions is to protect us from embarrassment, hurt, and pain. For instance, when we feel too proud to admit that we are wrong, that is our ego protecting us from potential humiliation when others make fun of us for our mistake.

Yesterday I mentioned that talking is not equivalent to good communication, since we can talk all day about things that are not important to the people involved. True communication can only happen, in my experience, when both people open up and share what is truly on their mind and in their heart – in other words, it requires that we let our guards down and become vulnerable. That can be scary, since the other person can use our vulnerability against us, and that is why the ego often steps in and prevents us from opening up.

If you think about it, people do not tend to open up initially because they do not trust the other person too much; when we get comfortable with the other person, we feel like we can open up. Interestingly, after some time, the communication often breaks down. I believe it is because there comes a day when the other person is angry with you and uses something that you shared earlier against you. You naturally feel hurt and betrayed, and, after the dust settles and there comes another opportunity to open up and share, your ego steps in and reminds you of what happened. Maybe the first time the voice of the ego will not be too strong, but after several instances when the other person uses something you shared against you, the voice of the ego will get a lot louder.

Unfortunately, the only way to restore quality communication is to start opening up again, and that will often require quite a bit of work if you have been hurt enough. What can help is for you to establish some ground rules around sharing and how that information can and cannot be used. Happy communicating!

Until Monday,

V

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Posted in Relationships | No Comments »

Communication

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

*I’m sorry – it seems like my attempt at having the blog automatically post itself yesterday did not work out. Here is the post*

I think that in any relationship, the most essential skill that you can develop and cultivate, is the art of communication. It is even more crucial when the two people are the in a romantic relationship and are living together – the close contact builds a tremendous amount of pressure and being able to understand each other is that much more important.

Communication is an interesting topic, mainly because it can easily be confused with talking, and that cannot be further away from the truth for two big reasons. First of all, 90% of all human communication is non-verbal; second of all, you can play ‘20 questions’ all day and never touch on what is important to the other person.

Communication is not simple, nor is it easy, but it is definitely worth while working on this skills. The hardest part with relationships, in my opinion, is that suddenly there are two people involved, and you can only be responsible for yourself. You may want take on the proud ‘liberator’ attitude and say, “I will be responsible for the other person”, but you have no right to do that, nor do you want the headache. So it tremendously helps when the other person is on-board and willing to work on communication with you as well.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about what, I think, is the biggest roadblock to effective communication.

Until next time,

V

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